My Immortal Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: Not the most original idea, but I was incredibly bored one night. I have tried and tried to do this so many times through different outlets, but I could never bring myself to finish because my sanity wouldn't allow it. But now, viola! I have started this four-day monstrosity, and I am going to finish it this time! This work will be rated 'T' because of my ridiculously foul mouth.
1. Day One: Prologue to the Horror

Day One: Prologue to the Horror

Hello everyone, it's your friendly Ravenclaw.

My name is Alex, and I will be your guide through this atrocity known widely across the Internet as the worst fanfiction ever written: My Immortal.

Join me, and my slew of special guests and cameos, in my own commentary on this wonder of the Internet.

All formalities aside, I know this is not an original idea, but I recently got back into Harry Potter (I'm a fandom jumper, as I like to call it) and decided to once again brave My Immortal. In case you're wondering, no; this is not the first time that I have attempted this. Every attempt, however, failed because my sanity would simply not allow it to continue. This time I am determined to continue and see this through to the bitter, bloody end, and also because it's summer vacation and I really have nothing to do outside of volunteering at my local animal shelter.

The fanfiction that we all dread I found on a revival of Encyclopedia Dramatica, and I copied and pasted it, I have made no edits other than my commentary.

This work is rated 'M' for a reason. No, not because of the infamous sex scenes, but because I have a mouth worse than a sailor's. You have been warned.

This is also a four day project, meaning I will post a whole series of chapters (including skits) every day all this week. The only days that I probably won't post anything on this project are July 2nd (my birthday) and July 4th (Independence Day).

Onto the cast:

_Commentator:_ Your friendly neighborhood Ravenclaw - Alex!

_Laptop:_ Sub-Zero (What? That's my PC's name.)

_Special guests and cameos:_ You'll just have to find out.

Special features include: Daily introductions, opening and closing skits...that's about it.

**Big disclaimer before I kill all your brain cells and lower your IQ**: I own _absolutely nothing_ besides my commentary and my snarky personality. Any cameos, guests, quotes and references you find are all owned by someone else and I just happened to pull them out of the depths of my demented brain.

My commentary will be written in **[bold brackets]**. It will not be separated from the fanfiction itself because I like to boisterous and arrogant with my commentary.

If you have any questions whatsoever, post them in a review and I will include them in the daily introductions with answers.

Have fun!


	2. Day One: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day One: Daily Introduction/Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

Welcome! As this is Day One there are no questions from reviewers, but I will say that you are a very brave soul for putting yourself through this torture.

Opening Skit

Unfortunately Day One is special because no special guests and cameos have made their appearance in the fiction itself. I will, however, take this time to clarify that in the opening skits the guests and cameos will be given a title. I, on the other hand, will receive no title, as this is my ship and I am the undisputed captain. And now my question is: _who the hell in their right mind made me captain!?_


	3. Day One: Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

_AN: Special fangz (__get it, coz Im goffik__) 2 my gf (ew not in that way _**[Now, now, Tara - keep an open mind.]**_) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling _**[Raven, you have brought eternal dishonor upon your family.]**_. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!_

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **[As George Carlin would say: "Somebody got fucked in the ass!"]** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name **[Most infants are as bald as Elmer Fudd when they're born. Also, I'm pretty sure dementia is a mental disorder where one is not all right in the head.]**) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid** [Lolwut?]** tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee _(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! _**[I know who she is, but hey - anything to get me out of here. *jumps out the window*]**_)_. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **[Can you say 'incest'?]**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **[Bitch, you ain't no vampire]**. I have pale white skin **[Well, when you live in England where the majority of the weather is _overcast_ one would think that almost all of them wouldn't look like the Oompa Loompas from Jersey Shore.]**. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **[How convenient...]**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **[A wild slut has appeared!]** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **[It is impossible for it to be snowing and raining. Now if you were talking about sleet that's a different story - then you shouldn't even be outside 'cause that shit hurts]** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **[Well aren't you just a happy little ray of sunshine?]**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **[Hey Draco how's it hanging? Draco: "Nothing, just came to smash this Muggle contraption you call Sub-Zero." Sub-Zero PC: "THANK YOU."]**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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_AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!_ **[No, it isn't good, and I swear I can hear Sub-Zero crying. Sub-Zero PC: "HELP ME, PLEASE!" *sobs uncontrollably*]**


	4. Day One: Chapter Two

CHAPTER 2

_AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!_ **[What exactly is a prep? Apparently to Tara there are only two ways a person can exist: Prep or "GOFFIK." But, I'm what many people classify as a tomboy, so do I exist in a state of limbo?]**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **[Where else would you wake up in Hogwarts? Oh wait...]** It was snowing and raining again. **[SLEET. IT'S SLEET GODDAMMIT.]** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **[Steve: "Hey there kids! Say, Blue and I need your help. Can any of you tell me what causes AIDS?"]** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **[*rocking out to Rammstein* Oh? You're done finally?]**

My friend, Willow _(AN: Raven dis is u!)_ woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **[*still rocking out to Rammstein*]**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **[Yeah, you REALLY hate him. Draco: "I wish."]**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **[DUN DUN DUNNNNNN]**


	5. Day One: Chapter Three

CHAPTER 3

_AN: __STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! _**[But...flames are funny.]** _odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! _**[I can't imagine what the good reviews look like.]**_ FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte._

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **[RIBBONS AND LACE.]** I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**[WHY COULDN'T SATAN MAKE ME LESS BEAUTIFUL?...What too soon?]** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **[This is all shit that no one cares about at this point.]**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **[He found the old Ford Anglia that Ron and Harry crashed five years ago.]** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner _(AN: A lot fo __kewl boiz__ wer it ok!)_. **[I prefer Corpsepaint myself.]**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **[Depressed implies no emotion. You might as well not even have punctuation if you're going to be depressed.]**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **[Wow, not only did Draco manage to find the Ford Anglia, tame it, and get his driver's license, he also gave it an impossible upgrade.]** (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **[Wall of Death. Wall of Death. Wall of Death.]**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel _(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)_.

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **[It is impossible to talk to someone while moshing. Oh, and also: Wall of Death. Wall of Death. Someone start a Wall of Death.]** Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **[Also impossible to do in the pit.]**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff.I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **[That's some pretty nasty jaundice.]**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **[OH SHIT.]**


	6. Day One: Chapter Four

CHAPTER 4

_AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY _**[Ha ha.]**_ nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_ **[Like, oh my god guys, it's called OOC, haven't you heard of it? God, fucking preps...Ow...that hurt.]**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **[Goddamn, Tara has more mood swings than a neurotic teen girl on her monthly.]**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **[And that kiddies, is why you stay in school.]**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore ! **[Dumbledore to the rescue.]**


	7. Day One: Chapter Five

CHAPTER 5

_AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! _**[Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda yackity yak yak doo doo doo shit that no one cares about.]**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **[When did Ludacris get here? And why is he a fool?]**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **[Yikes, might want to go to Madam Pomfrey for that one, that's a serious medical condition.]** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **[I think McGonagall smoked a whole bunch of weed and was listening to Pink Floyd before she came here. _Wait_, why is she even here? She's head of Gryffindor!]**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **[Cue the Devil's Choir. Satan: "Fuck no woman."]**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **[TAKE SOME POINTS AWAY FOR I WILL SEND THE BEAR JEW ON YOU! Woah, too much Slipknot.]**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **[Yeah, 'cause spontaneous singing is SO romantic, especially from someone whom we have no knowledge whatsoever if they are a decent singer or they're like Russell Crowe in Les Miserables.]** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	8. Day One: Chapter Six

CHAPTER 6

_AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!_ **[Bitch, please.]**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **[I have stopped caring.]**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses **[Are they prescription? Because Harry is as blind as I am.]** just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **[NOPE. Harry has spontaneously become ARMENIAN MUSLIM!]** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **[Hey, hey - commentating is my job. You stick to your horrible writing, and I stick to my snarky commentary and no one gets thrown into the Chicago river, capiche?]**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **[Because MOOD SWINGS.]**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **[Surprise motherfucker *shotgun sound off*]**


	9. Day One: Chapter Seven

CHAPTER 7

_AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!_ **[*headbanging* Slipknot is good for the soul for this kind of occasion.]**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish _(__AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?__)_** [Why, yes Tara. Yes it does.]**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes **[*insert IMPOSSIBRU meme here*]**. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **[French kissing is ANYTHING but passive.]** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. **[CinemaSins: "Scene does not contain a lap dance. *ding*]** We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. _(c is dat stupid?) _**[Why yes, Tara. Yes it is. Stay in school kids.]**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **[So should you, from all that blood you ingest and the fact that you just had intercourse with him yesterday.]**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **[Because Draco is now magically related to Leonidas and doesn't give a flying fuck about nudity.]** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. ** [Fifty points from Slytherin, Miss Way, for profanity and disrupting the class.]**


	10. Day One: Chapter Eight

CHAPTER 8

_AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!_ **[What about commentating? Is that in limbo, too?]**

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **[My brain...cannot comprehend...the stupidity.]**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped. **[There's more laugh track in this chapter than in an episode of 'All in the Family.']**

**[Hi everyone it's your friendly Ravenclaw Alex! Since Tara is a schmuck and doesn't know how to use point of view markers - I am here to tell you that we have now entered the realm of Draco's mind.] **I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

**[Still a schmuck. Now we're back to Ebony.] **"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **[Last I checked, the Forbidden Forest was off limits to all - oh fuck it.]**


	11. Day One: Chapter Nine

CHAPTER 9

_AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes __christian__ and vampire is a __satanist__! MCR ROX!_ **[Fuck this shit.]**

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! **[DUN DUN DUNNN]**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **[It's **_**Imperio**_**.]**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **[It's **_**Crucio**_** - ah fuck it.]** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **[Hooray for improper use of Old English! Queen Elizabeth I would be so proud!]**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **[Oh my God, she's thinking! Someone call Air Force One! We have to stop this!]**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." **[Fun fact #1: Telekinesis is the power to move things with your mind. (My thanks to Guest for correcting me, I'm an idiot :P)]** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **[BONDAGE! Oh whoops, you guys weren't supposed to know that.]**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **[Please run into a few trees and some of Aragog's hungry kids on your way.]**


	12. Day One: Chapter Ten

CHAPTER 10

_AN: stup it u __gay__ fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! _**[I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!]**_ ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!_

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **[Ummm...no.] **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now **[What does he do? Juggle?]**. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **[You just did, you just put hyphens in between letters.]** or a steak **[Because we all know some good, tasty red meat is a vampire's one weakness...wait.]**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride **[The Corpse Bride is not depressing, if anything it's funny (I found it humorous I guess).]**. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **[LIES, ALL LIES.]**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" _(c is dat out of character?)_ **[Why, yes it is, Tara. Yes it is.]**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. _(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)_ "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **[But you just said - AUGH!]**


	13. Day One: Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER 11

_AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!_ **[Yeah, serious issues. Let's go with that.]**

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **[CRAAAAWLING IIINNN MY SKIIINNN.]** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **[Don't you dare waste that perfectly good steak.]** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **[That must be itchy.]** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **[Om nom nom nom]** They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" **[I thought you just put clothes on? Also, you took a goddamn bath near a window and didn't even notice them there?]** I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **['Cause, you know, Harry accidentally ate his wand while wolfing down his breakfast waffles and it magically gave him female anatomy. Because SCIENCE.]** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **[Overkill and impossible. Normal 9-15mm handguns can only hold up to 6-16 rounds.]** and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **[Because Hagrid is now magically fifty years younger and never got framed by Tom! Hooray!]**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **[Bitch stole my line.]**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **[Uh, no. At point blank range that camera, tape and all, has been obliterated.]**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **[Go home Hagrid, you're drunk.]**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!" **[DUN DUN DUNNN. Man, I am getting tired of that.]**


	14. Day One: Closing Skit

END OF DAY ONE

**Congratulations. You have balls.**

**I'll continue this some other time. Sub-Zero needs to recover from that.**

Sub Zero PC: Help me...please.

**I would like to thank my special guests and cameos: Draco Malfoy - **

Draco: Why are you doing this again?

**Because it is summer vacation.**

Draco: Fair enough.

**Steve from Blues Clues -**

Draco: What?

**Muggle kids show.**

Draco: Ah.

**Satan -**

Satan: Hey Alex, do us...and your PC...a favor and discontinue this now.

**No backing out now Lucifer.**

Satan: God damn it.

God: Hey, don't look at me man. I had nothing to do with this.

**And finally CinemaSins -**

CinemaSins: Why am I here?

**Because of your lap dance gimmick.**

CinemaSins: Oh right.


	15. Day Two: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

Hello everyone and thank you for joining me on day two.

Now, I know I said this would be a four day project, but I have a feeling that it might be longer than that. Why, you may ask? Well, it's Monday, and I volunteer at an animal shelter on Mondays. After which, I need a nap because KITTENS. Also, today I conjured up something totally amazing for you all, and it really tired me out, along with that cat that tried to eat my phone...

I'm also not feeling very productive today. Whatever.

Opening Skit

**Do you guys have anything to say before we begin?**

Harry: "Yeah, what is the special thing you made?"

Ron: "Kind of curious now."

Fred/George: "Yes, do tell Alex."

**Not telling. You'll just have to bear with me.**

Draco: "You mean we have to sit through more of this rubbish?"

**It'll be worth it at the end. Trust me.**


	16. Day Two: Chapter Twelve

CHAPTER 12

_AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!_ **[It took me five minutes to decipher this, and I still don't know what it says.]**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **[This is beginning to sound an awful lot like...no. No. I will not disrespect Shakespeare like that.]**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream.

"OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **["Red whites," let's just all take a moment and think about that phrase for a second.]**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **[Scars are not something you can be rid of. For example; I still have the scar on my chin from when I ate table when I was three. And another one from road rash and falling off horses. And, oh! that one time a loose pickaxe head crashed down on my hand!]**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. **[Methinks that simple foundation is not thick enough to cover that shit up]** "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **[Oh no, whatever shall we do? *scoff* Call me when I care, **_**if**_** I care. In the meantime, I'll be listening to Wednesday 13]**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them. **[Hooray for adding insult to injury!]**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **[Wasn't she supposed to be - oh screw it.]**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **[Damn, the guy comes to visit your sorry ass in the Hospital Wing and **_**that's**_** how you treat him? Goddamn, the way you behave I'm surprised you still have friends.]**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED _(c is dat speld rong) _**[Yes.]** to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **[Wise should not be in your vocabulary.]**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio_(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)_imo noto okayo!" **[That sounds like some bullshit Italian along with some bullshit Spanish. We're getting a little daring here folks!]**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **[Redundancy is redundant.]** Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **[Well since you asked *inhale* According to you Draco's a whiny emo pussy vampire wizard with AIDS who spends his free time slitting his wrists and snogging an equally whiny emo pussy vampire witch with AIDS and guess what? he also happens to be bisexual and also listens to Muggle bands who are mysteriously able to visit an all-wizard settlement and is so out of character from the original story even people who haven't even read the books are telling you off for it. *passes out*]**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes_(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) _**[No, we don't fucking get it.]** u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **[Frightened by Hagrid - **_**that **_**is **_**not**_** Dumbledore. Who is that?]**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" **[How was Hagrid injured again? Was he ever injured? I'm confused...and hungry.]**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. **[RIBBONS AND LACE.]** Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring **[I personally think you look like Cousin Itt, but that's just me. Hey, maybe you can get Morticia to brush your hair!]** _(if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) _**[Seven dayssss...sorry, couldn't resist.]** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **[A wild weeaboo has appeared!****]** "Fangs _(geddit)_ you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **[You mean you didn't before? Okay, even you have to admit that you were asking for it.]** I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **[Is that the class that supplies all my yarn for my latch hook projects?]** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **[Poor Hufflepuff, they're always abused in these fanfictions. Cedric: "Tell me about it."]**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **[Redundancy is redundant.]**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **[Yeah, because that's what normal human beings do in Care of Magical Creatures. Well, they **_**are **_**surrounded by animals.]**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **[McGonagall is teaching Care of Magical Creatures on top of Transfiguration? Damn, she's more of a workaholic than me.]**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **[Erm...last I checked - you were willing. Audience, can you say 'jailbait?']**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **[You're a real schmuck Tara.]**

"NO!" I ran up closer. **[See my comments at the beginning for what I think about this bullshit.]**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

_SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111_

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **[Let the war begin.]**


	17. Day Two: Chapter Thirteen

CHAPTER 13

_AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!_ **[NEVER! :D]**

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **[Oh noes!]**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **[Ew, learn to control yourself Albus.]**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **[And...who cares?]**

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **[OOOHHH! YOU JUST GOT SERVED!]**

Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. _(AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) _**[I'm sure the homosexuals thank you for saying that they're attractive but they would like to remind you that they will never be physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually attracted to you in any way.]**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. **[Why does no one go to Madam Pomfrey for something like this! These poor kids have Haemolacria!]**

Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **[Is a brainstorm similar to a brain blast?]**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **[Hermione: "But...they can't Apparate on school grounds." Hermione this is the world of fanfiction, and this is My Immortal. Hermione: "But it's not possible!" Tara couldn't give two flying fucks.]**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra !" It was….. Voldemort! **[Voldemort decided to go with **_**Allah Kedavra**_** instead of **_**Hussein Crucio **_**or **_**Osama Imperio**_**. More powerful that way.]**


	18. Day Two: Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER 14

_AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. _**[I'm surprised they let you out.]**_ PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!_

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_WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY __SCRAY__. VIOWER __EXCRETION__ ADVISD._ **[Ah, the acclaimed viewer warning. Let's take a moment to relish in the stupidity...I'm done - kill it with fire.]**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **[Poor Cedric. Doomed to become a sparkly vampire. Cedric: "Wait...**_**what!?**_**"]** Draco was there crying tears of blood. **[DUDE. GET. THAT. FIXED.]** Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **[Lolwut?] **he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes.

"EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said. _(in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)_ **[Because Peter Pettigrew is now immortal and has raging testosterone.]**

"Huh?" I asked. "Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. **[I wonder what that sounds like?]** "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? **[What? You've only done it about five times with Harry even when Draco was held captive.]** God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **[Impossible. You would have to remove the dagger first because the knife is blocking the incision. If anything the blood would gradually seep out...**_**How the fuck do I know this shit!?**_**]**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. **[After a stab like that to the abdomen, he would not be running and screaming - he would either be unconscious or his heart would've stopped beating...I have got to stop watching ER shows.]** I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **[He be dying Moldy Voldy, didn't you hear him?]** Then… he started coming! **[Gross.]** We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **[Because Voldemort is a tranny and is BFFs with Dr. Frankenfurter - The End.]** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack _(geddit cuz hes so sexah)_ and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **[Apparently there was no trauma...nerve of steel right there.]**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **[Watch out pedestrians, _Ebony's_ at the wheel.]** "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **[Just like your sex toy!]**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **[Yeah, but Peter's dead, so quit dreaming.]** I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. _(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty)_** [Mary Sue, Mary Sue, how do you do? Mary Sue, Mary Sue...]** "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **[Where did you go? Mary Sue, Mary Sue, please don't go. Mary Sue, Mary Sue, everyone loves you.]***

***Yes, that is a song I just made up. Everyone sing along!**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, how do you do?**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, everyone loves you.**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, where did you go?**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, please don't go.**

**With your big anime eyes and your perfect teeth**

**Everyone falls to the ground at your feet**

**With your flowing locks and your perfect skin**

**Everyone wants to have your kin**

**Whether you are blonde or have red hair**

**Happy or sad, no one gives a care**

**Whether you are tall or small**

**Depressed or mad you are loved by all**

**Your natural talent pales all those**

**Who worked for years in the prose**

**You are loved by all, regardless of age**

**Loyalties, interests, you're on the same page**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, how do you do?**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, everyone loves you.**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, where did you go?**

**Mary Sue, Mary Sue, please don't go.**


	19. Day Two: Closing Skit

**Well guys?**

Hermione: "That was surprisingly well done."

Ron: "Why did you have to make that song catchy?"

**It was necessary.**

Cedric: "I kind of like it."

Hermione: "It reminds me of those nursery rhymes I was read to when I was a kid."

**That's the point, Hermione.**

Draco: "Dammit, it's stuck in my head."

George: "Uh oh, earworm!"

Fred: "Want to know how to get rid of an earworm, Malfoy?"

Harry: "How?"

George: "You sing the same song, only twice as loud."

Fred: "Until you just can't stand it anymore."

Hermione: "I don't know if that's going to work."

**Just go with it Hermione.**

Fred: "Everyone ready?"

George: "And a-one, and a-two, and a-three!"

**I would've recommended Bon Jovi or Queen myself, but the reactions will be more hilarious if I just let this happen.**


	20. Day Three: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Three Introduction & Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

Looks like I'm the schmuck.

Yeah...sorry for disappearing for a week. My birthday was on July 2nd, then my grandparents' anniversary on the 3rd, and finally Independence Day on the 4th. I lost track of time.

That doesn't mean I haven't been working though, oh no. I've been working on the commentary - I've just been to lazy to upload it. Right now I'm working on Chapter...27 I think. I lost count. I've also been looking up dramatic readings and laughing along to those.

Anyhow, thanks for sticking with me. Now let's dive back into this bullshit.

I'll only upload about five chapters at a time along with the introductions and skits - got to pace myself, you know?

Opening Skit

**And we're back.**

Fred: "About bloody time."

George: "Where have you been Alex?"

**I've been working on the commentary - shut your pipes.**

Hermione: "I think it's fine. What with the horrible grammar and spelling, not to mention the horrible lack of plot. I don't blame her for taking a break."

Ron: "More like vacation."

**I don't think Draco would disagree with my hiatus.**

Draco: "I would've much rather you drop this whole 'project.' But I'll take what I can get."

Harry: "I think it's kind of funny."

Draco: "Potter! After what this woman did to you -"

Harry: "I meant Alex's commentary, not the story!"

Fred: "I wouldn't touch this 'story' with a ten foot pole."

George: "Make that hundred foot pole, Fred."

**Hopefully my commentary's making the experience at least a bit more bearable.**


	21. Day Three: Chapter Fifteen

CHAPTER 15

_AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on __evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! _**[Don't make threats unless you're going to act on them...okay that was dark even for me.]** _fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!_

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **[That's one tiny picture.]** He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. **[Crying and weeping are the **_**same damn thing.**_**]** I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **[Hogwarts teaches Muggle-based subjects? Damn, now I really wish it existed.]**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **[I know I'm beating a dead horse here but sad and depressed are antonyms of each other.]** I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **[Wait - woah! I thought this was Herbology turned into Biology. But now it looks like we're doing some botched Transfiguration, **_**what the fuck is going on!?**_**]**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **[Mary Sue, Mary Sue...]** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **[Melodramatic much?]** Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!."

Then…**[Dun-na]**…**[Dun-na]**…**[Dun-na. Dun-na. Dun-na. Dun-na.]**. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson **[I cannot be the only one thinking that would sound absolutely horrible.]** _(AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot._**[No, no I don't.]**_ if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!)_ . **[I don't know Joel and Pierre...does this mean I have to do some kind of Three-Fifths Compromise deal and cut off two of my limbs?]**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. **[Some contortionist move there. Maybe you should try out for the Russian Circus.]** "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff _(__i fukin h8 dat bitch__)_ **[Denial.]** and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **[Wow Tara, if you're so "GOFFIK" why did you just make a "PREP" reference, eh? That's a little suspicious.]** Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then.**[Oh not again with the Muggle bands mysteriously being allowed in an all-wizard settlement.]** We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	22. Day Three: Chapter Sixteen

CHAPTER 16

_AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! _**[Challenge accepted.]**_ raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! _**[RAAAAAAAAAGE.]**_ BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We ran happily to Hogsmede. **[And here I was thinking the word "happy" wasn't in her vocabulary. The apocalypse has officially begun.]** There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. **[Better carry around a shotgun, or looters will take your kids...]** MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! **[AUGH.]** Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **[I wonder how she would react to him watching porn.]** I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants.

Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. **[That is not a song you can successfully mosh to.]** We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,…**[Dun-na]**…**[Dun-na]**…**[Dun-na.]**…**[Dun-na]**…**[Dun-na. Dun-na. Dun-na. Dun-na]**.. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **[Wait...what happened last time? Oh yeah...well wait...is that...? I don't even know anymore.]**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **[SINCE WHEN?]**

"Yeah cause we you know!" **[Lolwut?]** I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **[Because...I have run out of 'because' cutaways...dammit.]**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" **[It would certainly make for a more interesting story than this one.]**

"NO." he muttered loudly. **[Those words are antonyms of each other. Come on Tara! I know you're a schmuck but even YOU had to have noticed that blaring obviousness right in your face!]**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **[MORE spontaneous singing! This might as well be an F-ed up Disney musical.]**

I was flattened **[Can we make this a game? Ebony Frogger. I like it.]** cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily _(she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese)_. **[Thanks for that botched Japanese lesson Tara. No one but you cares.]** "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." _(an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)_ **[TARA ANGRY! TARA SMASH!]**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **[Nightmare Before Christmas is anything but gothic.]** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **[Well that escalated quickly.]**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **[That escalated REALLY quickly. Goddamn.]**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **[Paradoxes. Paradoxes - EVERYWHERE.]**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." **[I thought you already did?]** I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **[I can't imagine a ridiculously overpriced store like Hot Topic having a loyalty card.]**

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **[Enoby's on a roll with her rash conclusions today.]**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. **[They aren't going to stay in business for very long if that's their sole purpose.]** The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **[Then why did you make that comparison?]** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **[Which you, Tara, are not.]**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. **[Well when you dress like that...jailbait.]**

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **[Because I'm what's-his-face and I can give shit away for free without any repercussions from my boss.]**

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **[He's a clerk...wouldn't he have a nametag?]**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **[BECAUSE EVERYONE TALKS IN ALL CAPS AS IF IT WERE NORMAL.]**


	23. Day Three: Chapter Seventeen

CHAPTER 17

_AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! _**[I'm in limbo. So I can read this for the laughs and do whatever I want. :)]**_ u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage._**[I don't even need to see the quiz to know for a fact that the quiz is bullshit.]**_ if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! _**[ALL CAPS RAAAAAAAAAGE!]**_ pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!_ **[Ransom!]**

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. **[Om nom nom...Slim Jims are tasty...yes I am eating Slim Jims and no you can't have any.]** She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **[Okay 1) Anorexia is not good. And 2) Kiss ass.]**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **[Ew.]**

They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **[*still eating*]** We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens _(geddit cuz wer gpffik) _**[You are trying way too hard Tara.]** that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. **[Stay in school kids.]**

We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **[*still fucking eating my Slim Jim*]** We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **[I nearly choked when I read that. It is impossible to mosh to MCR. I know, because once upon a midnight dreary I listened to MCR.]** Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly **[I know Voldemort's not the best looking but come on, give the guy a chance.]** preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. **[Yuck.]** It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **[Instead of marijuana or heroin, they smuggle death over the border and sell it to disturbed teens like Tara.]**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **[Hooray for botched Elizabethan English!]**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **[Da-da-da-daaa! Look, up the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's DUMBLEDORE!]**


	24. Day Three: Chapter Eighteen

CHAPTER 18

_AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!_

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, **[Why does this seem racist toward those of Asian descent?]** blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **[Rubies?]**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull _(geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth)_. **[Tara is the definition of trying to hard.]** Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff **[Bristles.]** was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **[Spoiler alert: It was 'Crawling in my Skin.']**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **[Looks like Dumbledore needs to put on a second coat.]** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **[Ugh.]**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away

Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **[I'm starting to wonder about all those other kids who were in Gryffindor that weren't mentioned. You know: Seamus, Dean, Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati? Crabbe, Goyle, Flint, Blaise, Pansy and Millicent didn't seem to make it either and they're in Slytherin. Hufflepuff was mentioned once to show how undermined they are. And Ravenclaw hasn't even been given one second of screen time. WHERE IS EVERYONE!?]** Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes. **[Do I even need to say it?]**

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **[Autobots, roll out!]** We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood **[Haemolacria*]** in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **[Isn't Dumbledore in his seventies or something?]**

I was so fucking angry. **[Ebony angry. Ebony smash.]**

***Haemolacria is a physical condition that causes a person to produce tears that are partially composed of blood. It can manifest as tears that are anything from merely red-tinged to be entirely made of blood.**

**Haemolacria is a symptom of a number of diseases, and may also be indicative of a tumor in the lacrimal apparatus. It is most often provoked by local factors such as bacterial conjunctivitis, environmental damage or injuries.**

**In short: GO TO MADAM POMFREY GODDAMMIT.**

**(Information from Wikipedia. Thanks Wikipedia.)**


	25. Day Three: Chapter Nineteen

CHAPTER 19

_AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11_ **[I am seriously getting sick and tired of these notes. They're so fucking repetitive.]**

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty _(rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot)_.

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz **[There's a music video for that? If not, then how do you do?]**. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. _(geddit insted of tie koz im goffik _**[How about next time you make it a noose.]**_)_ I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. _(email me if u wana see da pik _**[Or you know, we could all be independent and do this really stupid thing called 'looking it up on Google Images.']**_)_

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **[Bitch this whole thing has been about you since the very beginning, let someone else have the limelight.]**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. **[You heard one thing...]** I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **[Pfft...No...don't laugh, just relish in the stupidity.]** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois _(raven that is soo our video!)_. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **[Joint, bong, and doobie. All of these are for pot, or marijuana. Cigarette is tar and nicotine - pretty much the opposite of marijuana.]**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" **[Bzzt!]** I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said.

"Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **[Please let it be Freddy.]**


	26. Day Three: Closing Skit

Day Three Closing Skit

**That commentary wasn't nearly as satisfactory as I hoped...oh well. Oh, and I lied- I'm on Chapter 29.**

Ginny: "Thanks for remembering me Alex, but I really hope I'm not in this story."

Hermione: "We'll tell you to run if you are."

Fred/George: "What about us?"

Hermione: "You guys too."

Harry: "Wait, Fred and George haven't been mentioned at all yet?"

**Amazingly, and thankfully, no.**

Fred: "Don't jinx us Harry."

George: "We plan to keep it that way."

Ron: "Poor Neville."

**I know right?**

Neville: "What...happened?"

Ron: "You don't even want to know, mate."

Luna: "I wonder if I'll be mentioned."

**I wouldn't count on it Luna. No Ravenclaws have been mentioned.**

Cho: "I guess that's a good thing is it?"

Hermione: "Very good."

Draco: "Your fate is better than ours."

Fred: "Oh, we mustn't forget."

Neville: "Forget what?"

George: "Happy belated Birthday Alex."

Hermione: "That's right! Merlin, you even mentioned it in the introduction!"

Luna: "And her grandparents' anniversary. Can you tell them happy anniversary from me?"

**Of course Luna.**

Ron: "What'd you get?"

**A bunch of T-Shirts and **_**The Outsiders**_** on DVD. Oh, Fred and George -**

Fred: "Yes?"

**One of my new shirts says: "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."**

George: "Yes!"

Fred: "I'm so proud."

Harry: "Now you need to get one that says 'mischief managed.'"

**I'm working on it. Anyway, see you next time everyone!**


	27. Day Four: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Four Daily Introduction and Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

I'm a schmuck and haven't recognized the reviews so far.

Better late than never I suppose.

_Marik Goldcherry says:_

"Oh my Various Gods, thank you so much."

**You're welcome. :D**

_Guest says:_

"I maintain that My Immortal is one of two things. It is either a written down acid trip and therefore kids should have to read it, in full. 'See kids, this is what happens to your brain when you do drugs. If you don't want to end up like Ebony, Enoby, or whoever she is, then don't do drugs.'"

IF it's not an acid trip, then it is a spoof, because I do not think anyone could be quite this stupid and know how to not only use a computer, but use word, type, and upload the story to Fanfiction."

**I agree. She might be a troll. But trolls deliver lulz. And spoofing lulz is something I do best. So keep 'em coming trolls.**

**And you would be very surprised of how stupid people are on the Internet. Look up 'dumb DeviantART comments' on YouTube. You'll find some interesting stuff.**

Those are the reviews so far.

Anyway, the commentary is coming along swimmingly. I'm working on the final chapters. Hopefully my commentary hasn't waivered, I feel like it has. Maybe I shouldn't listen to music while doing this commentary, it seems to calm me down.

I've been a real schmuck lately with not updating. I apologize for lying...again. Today's my day off though so I got a lot of commentary done instead. I'll still post five chapters at a time whenever I can.

Opening Skit

**My head hurts so much right now.**

Hermione: "It doesn't help that you've been sitting in front of a computer writing commentary all day you know."

Neville: "Maybe you should take another break Alex?"

**Nah, got to update. Even though the viewer ratio isn't that good, I promised myself I would finish this.**

Harry: "You're a trooper, I'll give you that."

**Oh yeah, Fred, George, and Ginny. Run now.**

Ginny: "Oh no, why?"

**Ask no questions. Just run.**

Fred: "Should we be worried?"

George: "I already am."

Ginny: "Alex, I'm scared."

**Run. Run away now. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.**

Ron: "What's going on?"

Neville: "Alex?"

Hermione: "Oh _no_."

Draco: "_For Merlin's sake! She's telling you to run! RUN!_"

Ginny: "Fred? George?"

Fred: "C'mon Ginny."

George: "We better not stick around."

**I'll come get you when it's safe.**

Draco: "There really is no hope for any of us is there?"

**I'm afraid not Draco.**

Luna: "At least the Ravenclaws' are safe."

Cho: _"Don't jinx it Luna!"_

Luna: "Oh! Sorry, I'm sorry."


	28. Day Four: Chapter Twenty

CHAPTER 20

_AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! _**[If you don't care then why are you still addressing it? Could it be that you **_**do **_**care?]**_ stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania _**[I doubt that.]**_ 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz._

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, **[Oh NOW she gets it right. Geez, I've only said it about three times.]** an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists **[With all the times you cut yourself I am very surprised you aren't dead. Tara, you have very unrealistic expectations on how long it takes to recover from major blood loss.]** while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly **[Cue the Hallelujah Chorus.]** I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." **[Okay now you really are asking for it.]** I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **[I'm pretty sure that if they really were pedophiles, magical school or not, they would not be allowed to teach. Think of how the school governors would react.]**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **[AUGH.]** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…**[You guys already know what I'm going to put here.]**….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 **[Poor Dobby.]**

"Oh my god you ludacris **[Again, when did Ludacris get here?]** idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. **[Run away Dobby, run away to save your innocent soul.]** Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on _(I luv cing guyz do it) _**[Of course you would. In that case I have a movie to recommend: **_**Brokeback Mountain.**_**]** but both of them were fuking preps. _(btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)_

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. _(__c I speld dat__)_

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **[He asked, and that question is not one a normal person would like a reason for.]**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?" **[What do you think it was about?]**

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. **[HEY! Snarky is my word, keep your filthy little mitts off my word.]** "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. **[You tripped over a stick...that isn't even a foot long. *head desk*]** Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum. **[Too much information there Harry.]**" Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?" **[Oh **_**that's**_** what you meant...go back to primary school Tara.]**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. **[Did Harry and Draco learn to clone Mr. Weasley's Ford Anglia?]** I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' **[Let me love you vanity plate maker.]** on it.

….I gasped. **[This is a line. I shit you not, this is it.]**

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. **[I'm going to have to become a member of G.R.O.S.S.* after this.]** Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **[Someone call the WAAAAmbulance.]**

***G.R.O.S.S.: A **_**Calvin and Hobbes**_** reference. Stands for Get Rid Of Slimy girlS.**


	29. Day Four: Chapter Twenty-one

CHAPTER 21

_AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!_ **[The 1931 **_**Dracula**_** was never filmed in Transylvania, it was filmed in Kent (UK), various places and stages in Universal City (CA), Agua Dulce (CA), and North Yorkshire (UK).]**

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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice.

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **[Then why not go and stop him?]**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better." **[*nudge nudge wink wink*]**

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face **[OH MY FUCKING GOD.]**. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. _(__if ur a homophone den fuk of!__)_

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke **[Cocaine that's invincible? Damn, don't tell the drug lords about this shit.]**. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth** [Dani Filth?]** come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" **[You're under the Invisibility Cloak, good job giving away your position asshole.]** Vampire said under his breast **[Harry's head entered an alternate dimension and grew out his breastbone.]** in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" **[That's a pretty shitty Invisibility Cloak if someone can actually see the cloak.]** he asked. Filth nodded. And then….Vampir frenched me! **[This is not the time, nor the place.]** He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **[Does he look okay?]**

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other.

Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid _(c isnt da deprezzin) _**[**_**That**_** campy piece of shit!? You have **_**got**_** to be **_**joking**_**.]** on the gothic red bed together. **[Coffin...bed...make up your mind.]** As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision **[She means full tonic-clonic seizure.]** of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **[**_**Finally**_** the Ministry steps in.]**


	30. Day Four: Chapter Twenty-two

CHAPTER 22

_AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1_ **[This monstrosity is no one's fault but yours.]**

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **[Except you apparently, you would much rather talk about what you're wearing that exact moment than give actual, far more interesting and important details.]** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas.

Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! I opened my crimson eyes. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) **[RUN GINNY. RUN AWAY!]** was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle **[HOLY SHIT. Crabbe and Goyle **_**are**_** here...RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.]**. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad **[...Wait a minute. *reads beginning again* ...No...no...Oh Christ on fire NO.]** was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism."OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up.

"Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." **[Yeah, this story.]** Draco said.

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **[I...what? What is that?]**

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. **[That's it. I'm joining G.R.O.S.S.]** We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney **[Who is this now? Ginny, Fred, and George make their grand and unfortunate debut, but who the hell is Britney?]** from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged **[Cornelius got a sex change.]** was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD **[Woof woof.]** IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL **[It's Headmaster bitch. *snap*]** ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge.

"YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS **[There should be an apostrophe in there somewhere.] ** IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" **[WHY ARE WE ALL SCREAMING OUR HEADS OFF!?]**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…**[Wednesday Addams.]**…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **[Damn.]**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped.


	31. Day Four: Chapter Twenty-three

CHAPTER 23

_AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 _**[Oh ho! those views are from people who wanted 'lulz.']**_ fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!_

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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge **[And it is here I am reminded of Scooby Doo.]** and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

"MR. WAY **[Ha ha.] **WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!"

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes.

They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo **[Who?]**. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup **[AIDS.]**. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **[Dude, this story is already a piece of shit, don't make it a literal piece of shit.]**

"No I do!" shouted **[Absolutely no one at all]**.

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other. **[MORTAL KOMBAT!]**

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **[Do you always need to emphasize that Voldemort virtually has no nose?]** and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney **[When did she get here?]** that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent….Volzemort!

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **[Luke, I am your father.]** sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!" **[Oh son of a bitch I can't take it anymore. 'Thou' is used in familiarity or informality, like greeting a childhood friend. 'You' was used in formality such as addressing an elder or a stranger.]**

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged. **[Every time I try to say 'plz' I sound like Stitch. Or Sméagol.]**

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. **[Then why didn't you do it yourself. You're here now aren't you?]**

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort **[Ouch.]** me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision **[Tonic-clonic seizure]** were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

"No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **[You're already possessed.]**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though."

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went.


	32. Day Four: Chapter Twenty-four

CHAPTER 24

_AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!_

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Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister **[Oh for fuck's sake. SINISTRA is Astronomy. TRELAWNEY is Divination.] ** in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate) She's really young for a teacher. **[Trelawney taught at Hogwarts for sixteen years...she ain't young.]** 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?"

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. **[If these so called preps didn't know what Hot Topic was, they do now.]** I gave them the middle finger. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked.

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go.

"Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit **[Fuck you.]**) 1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **[Should've seen that coming.]**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.

"Bye bitch." I said waving.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **[You were on display? Well with the way you dress I can imagine.]**


	33. Day Four: Closing Skit

Closing Skit

**Fred, George, Ginny - it's safe. You can come out now.**

Ginny: "Were we mentioned?"

Fred: "We were..."

George: *shudders*

Harry: "She got the names wrong though."

Fred: "She called us _Crabbe and Goyle_!"

George: "I think this is the first time I have been furious without being provoked."

Ginny: "I don't even want to know what she called me."

Neville: "How were you able to tell Alex?"

**When she went into the ugly descriptions she gives everyone, saying that they all had the same dad.**

Hermione: "No one is safe. All hope is gone."

Draco: "Hope has abandoned us from the start Granger."

**It really has.**

George: "Any ideas on how we can exact our revenge Fred?"

Fred: "Oh I've got quite a few."

Harry: "Any chance we can join in?"

George: "Oh, but of course."

Fred: "We'll need everyone we can get."

**I'll see if I can't rally anyone that's not in Hogwarts presently.**

Hermione: "I'll talk to the teachers."

Harry: "Ron and I will get the other Gryffindors on board."

Ginny: "Neville and I will come with you guys."

**Cho, Luna, pass the word onto Cedric - see if he can round up some Hufflepuffs.**

Luna: "Of course."

Cho: "We'll get some other Ravenclaws too."

Draco: "The rest of Slytherin House I know for a fact will agree. I don't even need to ask."

**Good. The Resistance has begun.**


	34. Day Five: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Five Daily Introduction & Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

I should really stop lying to you guys. I'm becoming a compulsive liar.

Anyhow, there's only a few chapters left to go on the commentary, and all of the finished commentary is in my Doc Manager sorted by days. So it's there, and it will nag in my face until I get this done.

There are no new reviews. *sad face*

Seriously, I'm beginning to think that this isn't any good. I need to know what you guys think! Don't leave me hanging here!

Wow...I sound like a whiny little bitch.

Opening Skit

**Everyone here?**

Hermione: "Yes."

**Everyone furious?**

Draco: "I've been furious since the first chapter."

**Good.**

Cedric: "How is that good?"

Draco: "It makes the commentary better."

Neville: "How?"

Luna: "More sarcasm I'm guessing."

**You are exactly right Luna. Have a cookie.**

Luna: "Ooh." *takes cookie*

Ginny: "When did you get cookies?"

**I wanted cookies.**

Fred: "Fair enough." *takes cookie*

**Everyone can have one.**

*everybody takes a cookie*

**You guys reading this have probably noticed that this skit is completely random and has nothing to do with the previous day's skit. That's because we're waiting for people to respond...and I really don't feel like writing anything else.**

Hermione: "You're becoming really lazy."

Harry: "Can you blame her? I can't wait for this to be over."

Luna: "Is there going to be a big celebration Alex?"

**Maybe, maybe not. I might ask readers to point out some of the finer points of the commentary and I'll compile them together at the end.**

Ron: "That'd be cool."

George: "Just a chapter full of sarcasm and laughs. I'm looking forward to that."


	35. Day Five: Chapter Twenty-five

CHAPTER 25

_AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 _**[My brother's a red belt, there are three rifles in my house, and I have a crossbow, bring it on.]**_ n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 _**[McAfee, bitch.]**_ FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1_

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." **[Yeah, because that's how normal human beings start a conversation.]** whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. **[Spork...**_**spork. SPORK.**_**]** He started to fly the car into a tree. **[That's at least a thousand dollars worth in damage right there.]** We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then…**[Oh the suspense is killing me.]**… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. **[We all dream when we sleep, you aren't anything special.]** In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **[Ladies and gentlemen we have now entered Detroit...or New York City...or Manhattan...or Los Angeles...or any backwater town in the Deep South.]**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **[If the blood loss doesn't kill her the bacterial conjunctivitis will.]** I told Draco to call Vampire. **[Because now everyone at Hogwarts can use electronics even though they have no use for them in the first place.]** He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where…**[SUSPENSE. *GASP*]**… Lucian and Serious!111


	36. Day Five: Chapter Twenty-six

CHAPTER 26

_AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11_

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A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **[Damn, Ebony has some rampant bipolar disorder.]** Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened. **[I just realized that in every chapter someone always cries. This isn't a fanfiction, this is a soap opera!]**

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!"

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree **[Gozer: "Are you a God?"]** and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem." **[More like 'seizure during an LSD trip.']**

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **[Let's see...Ebony divided by the product Draco...add Harry...subtract the sanity...multiply by the circumference of WTF-Factor...raised to the tenth power...all over 'lulz.']**

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped _(c is da toot of crakter)_. **[Yes.]** "U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **[You could not have known that. *cough* Mary Sue. *cough*]** I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. **[How is he able to communicate with them? Certainly not a cellular phone because I'm pretty damn sure Dumbledore wouldn't know how to use those.]** He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **[What's the Astronomy teacher doing there?]**


	37. Day Five: Chapter Twenty-seven

CHAPTER 27

_AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 _**[Obviously you do if you're still addressing the matter.]**_ so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital _**[And they let you out **_**again**_**!?]**_ rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111_

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **[Bond. Sirius Bond.]**Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. **[Holy Christ on fire do you **_**really**_** have to go into detail of everyone's clothing in every single motherfucking chapter!?]** "I have to tell you the fucking perdition."

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said… "Tara, **[HA, HA, FUCKING HA.]** I see drak times are near." She said badly. She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **[This **_**is**_** a soap isn't it?]** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. **[Yeah that won't disrupt the time space continuum in any way shape or form.]** You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **[Fred: "Oh **_**Merlin**_** no." George: "She **_**didn't**_**." I hate her so much right now. Fred: "First she completely botches our names and now this!?" George: "Excuse me while I vomit in a corner."]**

I put on my Invisibility coke **[First invincible cocaine, now invisible cocaine, the drug lords are going to be all over this shit.]** with Vampire and Draco and w e sneaked outside 2gether.


	38. Day Five: Chapter Twenty-eight

CHAPTER 28

_AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111_

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We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **[I have a real skull in my room,* but damn - that's a little much.]** I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, **[RIBBONS AND LA -Goddammit, I give up.]** fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time" **[And disrupt the time space continuum, hopefully eliminating Tara's existence from the world. Draco: "I...would love that."]**

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?"

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **[Threesome.]**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. **[Let me love you tattoo artist.]** Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **[Yuck.]**

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **[Poor Spock.]** in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!" **[ALL CAPS RAGE.]**

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

***Calm yourself. It's a javelina skull. My dad shot a javelina before his 50th birthday and we boiled the skull to keep as a souvenir - it now sits on my bookshelf with the rest of my knickknacks.**


	39. Day Five: Chapter Twenty-nine

CHAPTER 29

_AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111_

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"Oh my satan!1" **[You are getting too predictable Tara.]** we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

"CUM NOW!1!" **[Uh...you sure about that Minerva?]** Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. **[Oh gross.]** We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel **[Num nums.]** and put it in his pocket.

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"

**"**Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him.**"** Snoop laughed meanly. **[I took the liberty of adding the quotation marks. You're welcome.]**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot **[I apologize on this schmuck's behalf Tom Felton.]** rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111 **[Ha, she thinks he'll see this.]**).

I started to cry tearz of blood _(it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1_ **[I would look this up to see if it's true, because then that would poke a hole in my argument. I won't though, because there **_**aren't supposed to be any vampires at Hogwarts in the first place.**_**]**_)_. Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **[If they're using magic, what's the need for a firearm?]** They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. **[I have found my theme song for this fanfiction. "Bad Things" by Wednesday 13. It really sets the mood.]**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake." **[*singing* I want to kill you, dig you up, and do it again...]**

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **[And thus the sadomasochism begins.]**


	40. Day Five: Closing Skit

Day Five Closing Skit

**I think I've lost hope that people will be interested in this parody.**

Harry: "Why?"

**Meh. It's been done before by other people. And I'm a little late to the party.**

Hermione: "Well, you did say that you would finish it."

**I never said I would abandon this project. I'm probably just going to finish everything in one fell swoop and leave it alone forever.**

Draco: "Does that mean you finished the commentary?"

**I did. And it'll all be up by the end of the day.**

Luna: "Aw, it's going to end that soon?"

**Yep. Sorry Luna.**

**Author's Rambling:**** Yep. I've decided that this commentary is pretty much going nowhere. I've already finished it - and it'll be uploaded by the end of the day. I've decided to wrap it up because nobody's really responding to it like I thought they would, and it's kind of making me feel as if it's not good. I can't know if something I do is good unless someone says something, because I (like many other authors) am my worst critic.**

**So, if you guys have anything - review. That's all I'm going to say.**


	41. Day Six: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Six Daily Introduction and Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

I'M A LIAR.

Not really. I just hate inconsistency. Besides - I came to my senses and figured that I started this thing with daily introductions and opening and closing skits, then I damn well better finish it as such and not give a fuck about viewer ratios and reviews.

Anyway, one new review came up from the depths of the Mariana Trench. From Guest.

_Guest says:_

_Telekinesis is the power to move things with your mind, not set them on fire. Pyrokinesis is the power to set things on fire with your mind._

**Thanks for pointing out that I'm an idiot. I changed it.**

Opening Skit

**Back in the game. Only for a short while though.**

Hermione: "Well, I'm glad that you're still continuing -"

Ron: "Are you mental!?"

Hermione: "I don't mean I like the story! The story's dreadful. I'm glad that she's continuing the commentary as she started it."

**Author's Rambling: ****Yeah, I'm cheerleading myself...let's get on with this.**


	42. Day Six: Chapter Thirty

CHAPTER 30

_AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111_** [Uh, yeah we do. You're too predictable.]**_ so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. _**[Tara, do you even know what Alzheimer's **_**does**_**?]**_ fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **[What's the significance of the stones, pray tell?]**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **[I'm adding a sin just for the penis tattoo.]**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **[Again with these 'Do this, if you don't, I'll do this' threats? Really? See, this is exactly what I was talking about with predictability.]**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded. **[Okay, seriously, how hard is it to spell 'yell.' Hermione: "Very hard apparently."]**

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. **[How do you get a five pointed star out of a line? That's right, you don't.]** But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. **[This **_**is**_** a soap? **_**Please**_** let it be a soap.]**

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation **[Um...come again?] **dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. **[Fuck no, stay away from Yoda.]** I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape. **[Since when could she do that? Oh wait...nevermind.]**

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him….

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. **[*head desk*]** Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. **[Apparently Hogwarts has Verizon.]** I stopped doing crucio.

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **[Doppelganger? Clone? Alternate universe? Past self? So many questions...I should stop asking them.]**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **[My head hurts.]**


	43. Day Six: Chapter Thirty-one

CHAPTER 31

_AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca _(bufy rox!111_** [Stupidly random notes are stupidly random.]**_)_." Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum **[The essence of Voldemort...ew.]** out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. **[Cursing someone after they just drank Veritaserum seems counterproductive.]** Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry **[At this point I don't know who the fuck Tara is talking about when she says Sinistra or Trelawney.]** took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. **[My shtick is better than yours.] **

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.

"Fangs." I said. **[Quit it with the one line dialogue Tara. I feel like I'm reading a script for a play.]**

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." **[Poor Tim.]** said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." **[Um, no. Unless you want to disrupt the time space continuum I suggest you don't try that stunt...wait a second. Actually, on second thought - go right ahead.]** Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **[Gave you what now? That sounds like an STD.]** Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111 **[Oh fuck no. That had better be a mistake because you are not invading The Lord of the Rings if I have something to say about it.]**


	44. Day Six: Chapter Thirty-two

CHAPTER 32

_AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 _**[It better have been, bitch. It's bad enough that you're in this fandom.]**_ if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **[Oh Christ on fire.]**

We shok hands.** [I thought you already did?]** "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) **[I'm really surprised that she was able to figure that one out. *claps* Good for you Tara, you're intelligence score is now -9,999]** I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s **[NOPE. Wait...I'm sorry what the fuck did you just say?]**)

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.

"hogsment?" I asked.

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000. **[She just didn't want to fix her mistake, so she came up with some bullshit reason.]**" he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

'topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo. **[Bullshit.]**" He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." **[I'm so confused, what decade are we in right now!?]** he moaned.

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED. **[I'm glad I'm blasting Motley Crue. **_***Kicking ass on the wild side.***_**]**

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) **[*head desk*]** he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. "STUPID GOFFS!"

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord. **[Woof woof.]**"

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **[Are you now narrating your actions? No wonder everyone's looking at you as if you're a schizoid.]**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said. **[Now that's she's out, I would like to stress how that when you are looking into a pensieve you are looking at a memory, **_**you cannot meddle with a memory.**_**]**

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"

"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **[I think Tara forgot what Ebony was doing herself.]**

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **[Um, no. It's still insubordination, do that with any teacher and you're guaranteed a detention.]**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." **[When did Voldemort agree to the mass production of his essence?]** she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" **[Ohmigosh Dumblydum! Get it right! She said black tears of depression! WTFOMFGLOL!...Owww...That hurt so much. *curls up in a corner and cries*]** he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **[You're addicted to the essence of Voldemort?]**

_AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ_** [Serious business.]**_ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 _**[ALL CAPS RAGE.]**


	45. Day Six: Chapter Thirty-three

CHAPTER 33

_AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep_ **[I guess I'm still in limbo. Limbo's fun.]**_ so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 _**[No you don't, you'll update anyway.]**_ U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?"

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson **[Who's Tom Anderson?]** 4 sum help?"

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **[What YouTube video did you have to watch to come to that conclusion?]**

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked.

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **[I no longer understand what the hell is going on.]**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. **[*yawn* I need a nap.]** I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz) **[...**_**What the fuck did you just say?**_**]**. We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **[What now?]** _(if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111)_ . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **[**_**What now?**_**]** He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

"I luv u TaEbory." **[It's called the backspace button Tara. It's on your keyboard, and it's labeled.]** he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.


	46. Day Six: Chapter Thirty-four

CHAPTER 34

_AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 _**[Why yes I have, and I'm still lost you ignorant fuck.]**_ u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. **[Instead there was a horse's head.]** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. **[What?]** I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office."

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence **[AUGH.]**. I came anyway.

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian **[Was she trying to spell Azkaban, Afghanistan, or Kyrgyzstan?] **now, lol."

I laughed evilly.

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" **[Please leave poor Vampira out of this.]** I muttered.

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize **[What in the blue hell was she trying to spell in order to get sodomize!?]** moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ **[Links don't work on FFnet.]** She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **[By now she should be spewing her deepest, darkest secrets uncontrollably. But this is Tara's world, where nothing makes any goddamn sense whatsoever.]**

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"

And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. **[Really? Charles Manson?]** I noticed…he was drinking a portent.

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? **[We're in the 1980s right? I think. Manson became active in '89...I'm trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.]** And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat."

"Yah?"

"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?"


	47. Day Six: Closing Skit

Day Six Closing Skit

**I'm basically cheerleading myself with these.**

Draco: "Cheerleading?"

**Basically boosting my own ego by emulating what's going on in my own imagination seeing as how I'm in the dark fumbling around trying to find something to talk about. In other words: Useless. Filler.**

Draco: "...You have become very pessimistic."

**It's the truth, though.**

Draco: "...I'm...just going to leave now then."

**Bye then. And I'll see you viewers tomorrow...or the day after tomorrow...or the day after that. Whenever I can get my lazy ass onto my account.  
**

**Author's Rambling**: I'm not going to beg for reviews, I'm too stubborn for that. I think that reviews should be earned given the quality of the work, or commentary in this case. From what I've seen though, with only three reviews, I've come to believe that my commentary sucks and I will admit it has taken what little ego I had down a few notches.

Whether you review or not if entirely up to you. Like I said, they should be earned, not fished for.

Thanks for your time. I'm sorry if I wasted it.

~AlexAmericus


	48. Day Seven: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Seven Daily Introduction and Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

No new reviews.

Nothing new except a new fanfiction of my own making, which delaying the update time of this commentary.

On with the skit.

Opening Skit

Luna: "This skits seemed to have lost all life."

Harry: "Are we still going through with the Resistance? Or even the chapter where the readers choose the best comments?"

**That'll be up to the readers and whoever reviews.**

Ron: "Looks like Malfoy left early. I guess that prat doesn't want to stick around to see the rest of this through."

Neville: "I dunno if I can blame him really..."

Hermione: "What are you saying Neville?"

Neville: "Well, ever since Alex kind of, I guess, lost hope. It hasn't been as fun around here."

Hermione: "That doesn't necessarily mean that her commentary will be bad, she finished it before this happened."

Ron: "You have to admit that the introductions and skits have lost life though."


	49. Day Seven: Chapter Thirty-five

CHAPTER 35

_AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun _**[By really soon she means ten more chapters of this bullshit.]**_ so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 _**[How about Sirius? You know, his actual name? What a concept.] **_ fangz._

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped…..Draco wuz there!111

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. **[Herp-a-derp.]** It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms. **[What happened to his arms? Was that even mentioned?]**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz."

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and…Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

REALLY I ESKED.

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **[That looks like a username that an emo kid would have.]** I play teh gutter. Spartacus **[What!?]** plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **[Again, what!?]**

"Hey bastards." **[Yeah, that's a nice way of greeting people you just met.]** I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **[Seriously, that sounds like an STD.]** Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists."

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" **[Tara, aren't you always the one trying to make yourself look like an hero like it's no big deal?]** I gasped.

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said.

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?" **[No, oh gods no.]**

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." **[Honestly, I think if you actually tried to sing the way Tara has it typed here, you would get an old shoe thrown at you.]** I sang sexily _(I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song)_.. Every1 gasped.

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?"

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **[Not Marty too. Ugh, looks like I'm going to have to go on a rescue mission.]** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly **[She spells Sirius as serious and serious and Sirius...how does that work!?]** Den….he took out a blak tim machine. **[I guess that wasn't enough gigawatts to power the DeLorean.]** I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111


	50. Day Seven: Chapter Thirty-six

CHAPTER 36

_AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 _**[70-year-olds have no use for FFnet, they probably don't even know it exists.]**_ ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 _**[Let me love you random person on FFnet.]**_ o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B'lody Mary, Socrates **[What is a Greek philosopher doing in this atrocity?]** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111"

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. **[Christ on fire, Voldemort really needs to stop consenting to the mass production of his essence.]**

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too."

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik **[I'm getting tired of saying 'trying to hard.']**) gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **[I swear, they are the only reason that ridiculously overpriced Muggle store is still around. Although I think in the real world the actual store lost a lot of business.]**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" **[Wow, that's just a big 'fuck you' to those that actually struggle with something like that.]** said Profesor Trevolry.

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat **[Yep...big giant middle finger. Tara, you are the lowest scum of the galaxy.]** but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow.

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly. **[Draco: "Ugh...just put me out of my misery."]**

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **[Looks like Cornelius got another sex change.]**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily. **[I thought this was Potions, why are you looking for Dumbledore?]**

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111" **[I have a hard time believing that the Minister of Magic would step down from his position to teach some horny, snot nosed brats.]**

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111" **[Please, she'll be able to whip these kids into shape. We are thinking about the same Umbridge right?]**

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted.

I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **[The pussy version of WWE.]**

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111 **[What exactly is that?]**


	51. Day Seven: Chapter Thirty-seven

CHAPTER 37

_AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY_** [My gods, **_**best birthday present ever!**_**]**_ SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11_

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DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **[Oh now she knows the concept of POV markers.]**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **[How would Amnesia work to that benefit? Oh yeah, that's right. It wouldn't.]**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata, **[LIES. LIES. NOTHING BUT LIES STRAIGHT FROM HELL!]**" said Vampire. "Why would u need it?"

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby.

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly.

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep. **[When in the fuck did she get here?]**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **[Said absolutely no one in particular.]**

Draco, Ebory and I **[Umm, I thought this was in Draco's POV...unless Tara pulled another schmuck move.]** went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves **[That room is going to **_**stink.**_** If you've never smelled cloves, they are horrendous and stink up a room for **_**days.**_**]** from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. **[I wonder what that looks like, oh yeah, just a regular fucking hug.]** I took da clothes in da bag.

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge. **[For once, MyImmortal!Umbridge did something right.]**

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11" **[Ministry bitch, they do what they want.]**

Suddenly Dumblydore came.

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY. **[I never know who's talking anymore because Tara keeps forgetting to put the goddamn quotation marks.]**

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket.

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **[I refuse to believe that MCR was around during the Marauder's Era.]**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt **[Pretty damn sure Slipknot wasn't around either.]** and a blak tie.

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan.


	52. Day Seven: Chapter Thirty-eight

CHAPTER 38

_AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory _**[HALLELUJAH!]**_ and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX6666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan** [Shunpike.]** started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." I said in a flirty voice. "….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?"

"Well…**[Stop giving consent to have it mass produced.]**…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod."

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. **[Are they watching The Exorcist or Friday the 13th?]** Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. **[Okay, he should've felt that.]** I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?"

I new that the amnesia had worked.

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u." **[I FIGURED IT OUT! It's Amortentia!]**

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. **[Ouch.]** And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood. **[Well that seems like a reasonable reaction.]**

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped **[That's probably a grand total of one person that needs to go home and change their drawers.]** koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.

"Siriusly?" he gasped. **[O RLY?]**

"Yah siriusly." **[YA RLY.]** I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.** [What's with all of the 'lol'-ing all of a sudden? Is she embracing the fact that she's a troll?]**

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing. **[What? Sorry, I was listening to Aerosmith. Heh, shows you how much I care.]**

"I wood like to peasant…..XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. **[Someone throw an old boot at this bitch.]** (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. **[Ha ha.]**

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro. **[This is an amazingly accurate representation of band drama. Even I'm impressed.]**

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. **[Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: **_**The Outsiders.**_**]**

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

And den…I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. **[Dun dun DUNNN. Haven't made that remark in a while. Glad to see it again.]**


	53. Day Seven: Chapter Thirty-nine

CHAPTER 39

_Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX._

_AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic __idiot girl__, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) _**[You madam, are amazing.]**_ and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. _**[I, and hundreds of others, stand by you.]**_ Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh._

_And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps." _**[And so we shall.]**

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!" **[Yes, please do.]**

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." **[I'm not religious, and hell is not something I believe in nor would wish upon my bitterest enemies...but I approve of this.]** I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes. **[Every single person that has made an appearance: "FINALLY."]**

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" filled the room. **[And, somewhere in Arizona, a commentator in limbo was celebrating with all of her special guests and cameos.]**

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) **[Hey, no explanation needed, anything to free them.]** and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. **[I would complain, but this is making for a way better story than the other one. I can actually feel my IQ regenerating.]**

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time. **[Let's go with eternity. I like that better.]**

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. **[Tara's...or Ebony's...worst nightmare. I am loving this.]** Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" **[Welcome to purgatory Ebony. You're in limbo. Which means you're in **_**my**_** territory. You are going to regret the day your pseudo author ever conceived you in the depths of her abnormal mind. *grins*]** Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod." **[One, two, Alex is coming after you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, grab your crucifix. Seven, eight, gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, **_**never sleep again**_**.]**

/End Crap Fic. **[I feel like Freddy Krueger. And it feels good.]**

_AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:_ **[Cool. Bring on the laughs.]**

_Sincerely,_

_An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P_ **[Let me love you dammit.]**

_A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains. _**[Hey, your story was infinitely better. :P]**


	54. Day Seven: Closing Skit

Day Seven Closing Skit

**Those time travel chapters were actually fun to commentate, even though they gave me massive headaches.**

Hermione: "By reading, I would say that you got very frustrating while reading it."

Harry: "I think she did."

**The troll's chapter was fun though. That was a good chapter to end the day on.**

Fred: "Indeed it was."

George: One question though: who's Freddy Krueger?"

**You don't want to know.**

Fred: "I think we do."

George: "Tell us Alex."

**No. You're better off not knowing about the world of slasher horror.**

Hermione: "We'll take your word for it."

Fred/George: "We won't."


	55. Day Eight: Daily Intro & Opening Skit

Day Eight Daily Introduction and Opening Skit

Daily Introduction

No new reviews, as always.

This is the end, all of the chapters are going to be up after this.

I'm thinking about opening it up to you guys to tell me what were the finer moments of the commentary were, as well as ask any questions that you might have.

Opening Skit

**This is it guys, the final stretch.**

Draco: "Oh my God, finally!"

Harry: "When did Malfoy get back?"

Hermione: "Sometime last night I think."

Ron: "Weird, Alex's dog didn't bark."

Draco: "If you must know I came back in the middle of the night, Weasel. Her dog wasn't anywhere."

Hermione: "Back and rude as ever."

**I can't say I blame Draco guys. Look what has happened to him throughout this whole atrocity. I wouldn't be surprised if he was irate...or if he had some form of PTSD.**

Draco: "Thanks Alex but I didn't ask for your sympathy."

**Who said I was giving you sympathy?**

Fred: "Oooh! Ha, need some time to recover from that Malfoy?"

George: "Why did he come back? We were better off without him."

**I have no idea. Maybe somewhere deep down he actually missed us...either that or he wanted to see if Ebony died or not.**

Draco: "Don't flatter yourselves, it's the latter reason why I came back."

**Well, let's not keep his Royal High-Horse waiting.**


	56. Day Eight: Chapter Forty

CHAPTER 40

_THE IDIOT'S NOTE: Well... this was in the doc area... might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us... Have a nice day!_

_AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111_

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I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma **[How'd he fit?]** coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" **[More botched Elizabethan English. Shakespeare is rolling in his grave so fast he's drilling a hole to the center of the earth.]** he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **[Looks like there's an epidemic of bacterial conjunctivitis.]**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.

Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" **[Sadly. Freddy: "We'll get her Alex."]** Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" **[No. Sadly. Freddy: "Be patient."]** I gosped.

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" **[Last I checked she **_**was**_** shot...or stabbed.]** said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time." **[Kill a butterfly in the past and you can drastically alter the future. If Ebony died in the past, she would cease to exist in the future.]**

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **[When in the blue hell did he lose an arm? Did she ever go into detail about that? No? Of course she didn't.]**

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." **[How can you possess yourself? I think you would enter some alternate dimension.]** said James.

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer."

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **[They didn't even form until 1996, so unless you're a Seer I can't blame him.]** Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **[Prostitutes made of wax? What?]** said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **[You almost killed yourself getting up? I wish you succeeded.]** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. **[SHIT. THAT. NOBODY. CARES. ABOUT.]** I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den…..I gasped…**[JAWS.]**… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **[Looks like Tara forgot that there was a Shift button too.]** He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's.

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally **[Please hit a wall.]** to my room I sexily took a steak out. **[Waste that steak and I will phase through my computer and haunt you forever.]**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again. **[I'm going to say what everybody's thinking: Attention whore.]**

Idiot's Note: Ugh... I know... terrible... but then again, this wouldn't be called the 'worst fanfic ever if not for the fact that the writing standards meets the level of a day old fetus... **[I like your insults.]**


	57. Day Eight: Chapter Forty-one

CHAPTER 41

_AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! _**[I have one. Where's yours?]**_ I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. _**[You would think she would be angrier and go on an all caps Hulk rage.]**_ im surry 4 nut updatin while but ive been rilly bizzy. _**[Bullshit.]**_ im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. _**[Why in holy hell would they switch actors in the middle of the goddamn series?]**_ if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 _**[DO IT FAGGOT...okay I need to stay away from Encyclopedia Dramatica after this.]**_ raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland._

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When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 **[My head hurts.]** I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 _(just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr_** [No, I won't because Manson became active 1989.]**_)_ der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. **[No. No. No. And no.]** On it said '1980.'

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" **[Poor Tim.]** I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?" **[I hope so.]** koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **[Jesus Christ on fire nothing makes sense in this goddamn fic anymore.]** I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. **[No, because you have ceased to exist.]**

"No ur not dead." **[Dammit.]** Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing." **[How about no?]**

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. **[Thus you would have ceased to exist in both parallels.]** "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly.

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. **[WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED TO HIS ARMS GODDAMMIT!?]** I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel **[No, no, hell no. Stop disrespecting bands I like.]** wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties) **[So we ARE in the eighties. Thanks for clearing that up now instead of ten chapters back you schmuck.]**, blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

"Dis is…Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. **[Broken arms heal you know.]**

"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. **[*cough* Mary Sue. *cough*]**

"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok! **[No.]**)

"Bye." I sed all sexily.

"Dat was Hedwig. **[Didn't you already introduce him, you know, not even a minute ago?]** He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!). **[...I have no idea what is happening here.]**

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. **[That's the only reasonable thing in this chapter.]**

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **[Were they born when James and Lucius were...seventeen?]**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. **[This is going to turn into a sex tape, I just know it.]**

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. **[I knew it.]** Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111 **[Thank gods.]**


	58. Day Eight: Chapter Forty-two

CHAPTER 42

_AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 _**[How does it feel to be dead wrong Tara?]**_ nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 _**[Again, dead wrong. How does it feel?]**_ omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? _**[Em, no. That wouldn't advance the plot at all.]**_ If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111_** ['Because I'm the only person whose opinions matters because the universe revolves around me and people that I have never met before in my entire miserable existence have to do exactly as I say.' I just summed up Tara's mind...and it hurt.]**_ fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111_ **[Thanks for ruining one of my favorite Greek mythology tales for me Tara.]**

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I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. **[What's so cruel about sitting? Oh right, because he's a 'prep' and they got caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing in the first place.]** He looked more young den he did in da future. **[NO SHIT.]** He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly. **[I'm really wondering how she keeps spelling serious as Sirius and Sirius as serious...the seriousness in this sentence about Sirius is **_**too damn high.**_**]**

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! **[Dank, dark, hopeless place in the middle of the ocean guarded by soul sucking entities that thrive off human emotion and suck happiness out to the point where the victim loses their mind? Sounds like the perfect place for them!]** That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! **[Changing to...what exactly?]** Dumblydore didn't notece.

"You fucking poser." I muttoned.

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11

"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom. **[How about you all shut the fuck up?]**

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was…..Satan.

"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. **[How do you 'scream wisely?' What does that sound like?]**

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **[If she writes one more clothing description - I'll eat my hat.]**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod **[I thought it was your iPod?]** dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.

"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered.

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. **[Well that wasn't completely pointless and time consuming at all.]**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. **[*chews on hat*]** I explained 2 her why I was alive. **[Yes, please explain why you have continued carrying out your pitiful existence. I would really like to know.]**

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **[Stop. Just stop. I'm going to run out of hats.]**

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants. **[I will **_**not**_** eat my fedoras. They are too awesome.]**

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes. **[*muffled screaming*]**

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked.

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner. **[*head smash into keyboard*]**

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.

"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep. **[That is a really poor reason to hate someone.]**

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way **[So...Cornelius is a transsexual now?]** to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?"

"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" **[*robot voice* Yes Master, your wish is our command.]** wiv dat I ran out.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. **[Even Sir Cadogan?]** There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. **[Her wardrobe is probably more conservative than yours.]** She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. **[Oh I really hope so Britney, but Ebony is a Sue. Wishful thinking though.]**

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. **[Camera! You're alive!]** I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" **[Run Vampira.]** I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. **[*head desk*]** (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me."

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously. **[Who cares?]**

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY.

"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly….all da lights in da room went out. And den….da Dork Mark appeared. **[Hooray! Fireworks!]**

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall. **[Run little rabbit, run.]**


	59. Day Eight: Chapter Forty-three

CHAPTER 43

_AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz._** [Oh no. Please no.]**_ Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 _**[Commentating is still in limbo apparently. Good.]**_ if u flam den fukk u!111_ **[Fuck you, too. Seeing as how this entire fanfiction is just one big bonfire to those in the Harry Potter fandom.]**

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I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! **[But of course.]** He sat der in deddly bloom **[Because Draco now grows through photosynthesis.]** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. **[More unreasonable and unexplainable mood swings!]** He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face. **[AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!]**

"Draco are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. **[Hooray for paradoxes!]** I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. **[If that song makes you cry then you are a class-A crybaby.]** I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it. **[Pot = joint. Cigarette = cancer stick. You can't get more obvious than that.]**

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" I asked teardully. **[She's making words up now.]**

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us.

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed. **[You're in a school, students are kind of a necessity.]**

"Pop addelum!111" I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them. **[What kind of spell is that? To the Harry Potter spells Wiki!]**

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. **[My 'trying too hard' radar is going haywire.] **"Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really.

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **[I'm listening to Aerosmith. I could care less what your silly little Mary Sue is seeing.]**

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. **[P.D.A.! P.D.A.!]** Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. **[Is this going to be a three-way?]** We all began making out 2gther sexily. **[Yep. Goddammit.]** I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. **[What is with the goddamn orgy in the Great Hall!? That is just plain disgusting!]** Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly…..

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11 **[Of course he was...wait what?]**


	60. Day Eight: Chapter Forty-four: THE END

CHAPTER 44 THE FUCKING END

_AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 _**[Well that isn't exactly nothing is it? *insert troll face here*]**_ if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 _**[That would be a grand total of one person: herself.]**_ omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 _**[Bull-fucking-shit]**_ omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak._ **[Spoiler: She's never coming back! Let's all celebrate!]**

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"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape! **[Didn't you say this in the last chapter?]**

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing **[Was she trying to spell circumcise...or something?]** above us. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. **[Please.]** Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"

"You fucking prep!" **[I swear this 'insult' is as old as the Ancient Egyptians now.]** yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!" **[Looked pretty consensual to me.]**

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. **[Why? Is he now suddenly a nudist?]** We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… Voldemont!111 **[YAY! Never in my life have I been so happy to see Voldemort in a fanfiction!]**

"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" **[*muffled incoherent screaming...probably something about botched Elizabethan English*]** Thunder came in da room.

"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in. **[Roll credits...please.]**

"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) **[No shit. Any Potterhead learned that from the first book.]** He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **[Do broomsticks now possess a mental capacity and independent motor skills?]** Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) **[Tara's overuse of these stupid 'GOFFIK' wing-dings is TOO DAMN HIGH!]**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" **[How can they submit when they're all dead? Just curious.]** Snape ejaculated menacingly.

"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, **[Soil?]** CRUCIATUS!" **[Okay, what purpose did the whole 'dirt' bit hold?]** screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera. **[Nope. Sorry. He should be dead. He's dead.]**

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with **[His right hand.]**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." **[You mean she'll go to prison? YES!]** He laughed meanly.

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11" **[Picture does not equal sex tape.]**

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye soon." **[Just kill them already!]**

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" **[Tom's not a Muggle you dingbat.]** Harry yelled and then he and Diablo **[She **_**finally**_** spelt it right! It only took her forty-three chapters.]** and Navel both took out blak guns! **[When did Neville turn into Sylvester Stallone in **_**Rambo**_**?]** But Voldimort took out his own one.

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" **[Latin?]** I shouted despariedrly.

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **[DO IT ALREADY!]**

He maid lighting come all over da place.

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **[And what could that possibly be?]**

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted. **[And **_**scene!**_**]**


	61. Day Eight: Closing Skit

Closing Skit

**WE'RE DONE!**

Harry: "It's over?"

**It's over.**

Fred: "I say we celebrate!"

George: "Who's with us?"

Draco: "I can't believe I'm saying this but, yes."

Hermione: "No objections here."

Harry: "I've been looking forward to this since the first chapter."

**Hooray, party! Oh yeah, before I forget. *dumps confetti from the top of my stairs* Spread that all around will you guys?**

Luna: "Of course." *scoops up handful of confetti and throws it into the air*

*Everyone else...excluding Draco 'cause he's a stick in the mud...mimics the action*

Ron: "Woo! It's finally over!"

Cedric: "Hey Alex, can I stick around for a while? What you said about the sparkling vampires really put me on edge."

**Sure Cedric, do you really think I'd sacrifice you like that? Hell no.**

Cedric: "Okay, good. Phew."

Cho: "Sparkling...vampires? What?"

**It is a long, eye-gouging story Cho. One that you would not like to learn of.**

Cho: "I'll take your word for it Alex."

**Anyway! Enough of this stuff, I have cake!**

Hermione: "Oh yum!"

Ron: "Thank you, I'm _starving_."

Ginny: "Ron, you're _always_ hungry."

**Author's Rambling****: **Woo Hoo! One bad fanfiction down, hundreds more to go! I've already got the line up for the next couple of weeks. Next up is going to be the Twilight atrocity 'Lady of Sorrow' then next after that is 'legolas by laura' from The Lord of the Rings. If you guys have any other bad fanfictions you would like me to commentate - just message me a link to the story and I'll do the best I can!

I can tell you guys right now the Twilight one might be a little more difficult, since I never really liked Twilight. I'll try not to be biased, but I make no promises.

What I'll do is that I'll leave this commentary open to you guys, you can review about what you think were the finer moments in the commentary, ask questions, comment of the horrible tragedy that is My Immortal, what have you. I'll leave this commentary as In-Progress and I'll update it occasionally when I get enough comments and reviews to make a chapter from it.

Farewell everyone, and I hope to see some of you in my next commentary on 'Lady of Sorrow!'


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